What are boundaries?
Boundaries are a form of verbal and non-verbal communications we have with others and ourselves. They are similar to rules that we set that affect the way we are treated and interact with the world around us whether in our personal lives, at work, or with family and friends. Boundaries are a vital form of self-care as they allow us to value and honour our needs, feelings and expectations, allowing us freedom and accountability to others in the way they treat us. Through creating a space for our own freedom, we let go of the need to please others and self-sacrifice at the cost of ourselves and grow into our true, authentic selves. Boundaries are an essential form of communication as they provide safety and realistic expectations about how we want to treat ourselves and be treated by others, providing clarity and reducing feelings such as resentment, unmet needs and desires, anger and frustration. According to psychotherapist Nedra Glover Tawwab, there are six types of boundaries mentioned in her book Set Boundaries, Find Peace:
Physical Boundaries
This relates to how we feel about the physical space around us and physical touch. Depending on personal experiences, we all have a radius around us in which we feel safe allowing others in or close by. A violation of a physical boundary would include touching without permission, standing too close or watching behind your shoulder without permission or coercive hugs, kisses or handshakes. We can respond to this with remarks such as, “Can you step back?”, “No” or “I don’t feel comfortable hugging you due to covid.”
Sexual Boundaries
This involves the act of physical touch and intimacy with our bodies, and is the boundary that is most unspoken about due to societal taboos. Touching without consent, making inappropriate jokes or comments or engaging in sexual activity without permission is not only a violation of sexual boundaries but can also be a form of sexual assault, abuse and molestation. Although challenging, sexual boundary violations can be verbalised though responses such as, “stop”, “Your joke is inappropriate” or “I do not appreciate you commenting on my body. If you do it again, I will leave.”
Intellectual Boundaries
We are all free to have our own beliefs, opinions and thoughts and share them when appropriate. Intellectual boundaries are crossed when we are dismissed, belittled or humiliated for expressing our ideas. This can include verbal bullying by calling someone names, yelling during an argument or a parent burdening a child with emotions and feelings they are not mature to comprehend yet. We can express our discomfort through comments like, “I will not have this conversation with you if you continue shouting”, “that is not suitable content for a child”, “I feel dismissed and invalidated by this comment. Why did you say that?”
Emotional Boundaries
We are all entitled to feeling a wide range of emotions and express them with others. When someone dismisses our emotional truths, especially in a particular moment of need, a violation of emotional boundaries occurs. This can lead to feelings of invalidation and invisibility through comments such as “it’s not a big deal” or “I’m sorry you feel that way”. Another way an emotional boundary can be crossed is through information dumping without the other party’s permission, oversharing or pushing another person to share their experiences when they are not ready. Emotional boundaries can be respected by asking questions such as, “Do you have capacity?” or saying “this is a conversation between us, keep it confidential” or “my feelings are valid and I’m trying to share them with you. Why did you dismiss them?”
Material Boundaries
Material boundaries involve our personal possessions. This varies from lending large items such as money and cars to smaller ones such as books. A boundary is disrespected when owed money is not returned as promised or in time, the cherished item is lost or returned in poor condition, or something is borrowed without the owner’s permission. This can be communicated via comments such as, “You can borrow my car, but I expect it to be returned in the same condition”, “I can’t lend you money” or “you can borrow my book, but I need it back by next Wednesday.”
Time Boundaries
This boundary is about how we manage and choose to spend our time, whether finding a work-life balance, dedicating slots to helping others or spending time with ourselves. Of all the types of boundaries, this is the type that we are most likely to struggle with and crossing our boundary can include spending time in a conversation with a family member, friend or colleague that we do not enjoy talking to, or even as simple as an unorganised morning or evening routine or overcommitting. It can also include expecting others to work for free or without extra pay for overtime as well as calling others when they are asleep or during their holidays with an expectation for an immediate response. Setting a time boundary can sound like “I’m unable to work overtime”, “I won’t be able to make dinner on Sunday” or “I can deliver a workshop, but my fee is £75.”
Boundaries are a brilliant way to hold ourselves and others accountable and manage expectations, offering us a better quality of life and free from people pleasing and overextending our needs. It is important to remember that boundaries are not rigid walls but flexible to our desires, changing with us as we adapt and grow within ourselves and the world around us.
